Each second of this is more amazing than the last
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
What
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
It be like that sometimes 😆
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Single and childfree like Jesus
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.