If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Sunday