why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
mom had nothing to worry about
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”