*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
twitter users today:
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I’m not wrong
🤣🤣
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes