DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.