DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.