There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.![]()
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Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
When news reporters do sports stories
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.![]()
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
liiiiiiiiike
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”