I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
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“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while