You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me irl
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]