No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
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[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.