Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
You Might Also Like
huge valentines day plans this year!!
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My Sentiments Exactly
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’