Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is