They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
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Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
found my next D&D character name
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
…u ok Nintendo?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”