There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
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Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do