Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know