What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
🙂🙃🥹
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.