What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*