My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.