A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.