A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Best mom ever 😂
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever