Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here