“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Swedish for common sense.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting