[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”