Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.