If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
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Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
IT’S-A ME,
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Perfection.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself