In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
A wise man once said nothing.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.