Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
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Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Ferrari squats
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise