Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me