Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.