Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
describing stardew valley
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.