People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you