My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?