If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
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I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen