Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’