I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
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BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?