Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook