Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.