Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Welcome to the stomach
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.