Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
What a website
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket