I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines