If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
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First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Holy shit he’s back
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I saw this ending much differently.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I mean…but I did
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron