A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
it’s finally my moment to shine
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying