Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?