Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15


“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”


Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.


Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”


All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.


Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!


*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us



Security: ALRIGHT


Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.