Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.