Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.