@thisjason
@RidiculousSheri Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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@RidiculousSheri 
@wildethingy “I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
@girl_a_whirl Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
@Smooheed Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
@TimHaines Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
@loribuckmajor Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
@Book_Krazy *Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
@Lisabug74 Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
@dresspants I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.