[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up