Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
You Might Also Like
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
then why did i get this email
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.