Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
You Might Also Like
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.