Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 馃憤.
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili鈥檚*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they鈥檙e so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let鈥檚 go with a bag
Inventor: but they鈥檒l get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn鈥檛 keep their room clean.
6: 馃槼
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It鈥檚 better than the truth!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he鈥檒l get you those for Christmas
Me: I鈥檝e been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I鈥檓 guessing that鈥檚 a no
My husband listens to me like he doesn鈥檛 realize there鈥檚 going to be a quiz later.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I鈥檓 allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn鈥檛 look like you鈥檙e allergic to round
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where鈥檚 my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend