My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.