My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Finally! 😈
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Brother?