Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
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Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.