Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no