I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
You Might Also Like
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
[eats all your cotton candy]
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Customize Your Wedding.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.