doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
You Might Also Like
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Monica just destroyed the internet
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
mathematically impossible
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
he chose this
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?