*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
absolutely not
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!